Weepy Sweeps

I like to step back in time for a moment if that’s acceptable. The moment, which I am referring to of course, is my appearance on the game show: Supermarket Sweepstakes!
This is the moment I had lived for. The moment in which my father trained me deep within the Congo jungle grocery stores for years, was in the making. Countless hours of studying the dynamics and capacity of the shopping cart. Frequent trips to the grocery store wearing nothing but a 1970s spandex shopping suit, which consisted of a hybrid pair of gold football spandex with reinforced thigh padding for cart collidings. The top half consisted of a heavy, yet, absorbent seal pelt.

Legendary shopper, Charles T (aka Teamen), who once wheeled a record of 25 wheels of bonus cheese across the finish line, where he then collapsed with a case of lactose-exhaustion. His championship title was stripped from him when he tested positive for “Gorbi-shop”; A grocery-shop enhancing drug, which refines the user’s price censors in the brain, aiding their ability to see expensive cuts-of-meat from extreme distances. Shamed and banned from the grocery league, Teamen taught all of his knowledge to upcoming grocer Kazys Tamasauskas.

Finally the day came. Before the show, my father approached me with a syringe containing 200 CCs of Shop-X, a concentrated sister-drug to Gorbi-shop. “Please DAD!” I said through my shop-master 2000 computerized respiratory mask. Due to the emotion withdrawn from my modulated voice, my father mistook my anger for happiness and thrusted the needle into my temple. Immediately, I could smell price. My vision blurred out anything that wasn’t meat and over-sized bonus cheese wheels. A drug-induced pants-soiling followed a memory-lapse of all my training sessions organized in a sound tracked, slow-motion montage occurred. I then mistakenly purchased a $200 ass-rag from a homeless guy outside of the studio.

The round had begun. I felt incoherent and lavish from the Shop-X dosage. I exploded out of the gates crashing through a conveniently stacked tower of cracker boxes. I headed directly for the meat section; piling dozens of t-bone steaks into my cart! “HOW EXCITING!” I yelled to a talking lobster in the holding aquarium (Shop-X hallucination). With what appearer to be a record-breaking cartload containing all of the designated bonus items, I made a final dash for the finish line. I noticed however, something awkward. It looked like a jettison pilot ejecting from an exploding fighter-plane. Once the object came closer, I realized it was my father, ex-champ Teamen gaining on my with a record-shattering three carts full of Shop-X and Gorbi-shop, both items not-countable in competition shop offs. He past me leaving nothing but two thin black wheel skids behind. He collapsed again at the finish line, but this time from drug over-dose. A great shame swept over the audience. The shopping commissioner cancelled the show as a result of the unfortunate incidence. I’ve never shopped professionally since.

Waste-ing Time

Hey I'm just wasting some more time here pouring/drinking chemicals I've never seen before. This is one of many daily activities I enjoy that simply wastes my time. Let me give you an example. I enjoy suiting up in this isolation ensemble (which takes 3 hours in itself people) typically I will do this if I have lots of homework to do for the sole purpose of wasting time. If I'm really pressed for time I will skip the chemical mixing for the evening and go straight to treasure hunting. A lengthy process in which I comb the shoreline with a functionless self-made sonar machine. Often I find nothing. But one time..... I've never found anything. Once I return home and strip-off the suit (another 3 hours), it is usually time for my "touching the corners" ritual, this is a hobby of mine where I will go around touching all the corners in the house while singing the "circle song of celibacy", mildly ironic indeed. This event takes hours even days. As you can imagine this doesn't leave much time for class or for a job or for homework so I don't really worry about it. Anyways, if you would excuse me, I have corners to touch.

Lest we forget