The Primatus Cocainus
Whilst doing research in the heart Bolivia, I encountered this rather peculiar species. The Bolivian Coke Monkey (Primatus Cocainus) is a nuisance primate that dwells near the Coca plantations in the Bolivian forests. The monkey has a severe partiality to Cocaine, and will do anything from stealing it, to performing oral sex to raise the money for it (seller permitting of course). During my five-week study of the species, I began living amongst a tribe of Coke Monkeys. This proved to be a cardinal mistake for the monkeys were perpetually robbing me using unripe jagged bananas as weapons. Typically, the monkey cover themselves head to toe in the refined cocain, then they proceed to harass the females by yelling monkey-slander at them.
I interviewed one of the Coca farmers (who all fear the monkeys) and he had this to say: “The monkeys terrorize us farmers. They are constantly raiding the plantations, and raping our soldiers. They attack like a rainstorm. Humping and snorting from all angles.” The man then began to cry, so I stopped the tape recorder. Perhaps the most peculiar attribute of this type of monkey is the rolled-up hundred dollar bills they keep tucked securely above their ears. Unfortunately, as the supply of cocaine in Bolivia is dwindling, the Bolivian Coke Monkey is on the brink of extinction. That and their self-perpetuating AIDS virus are killing these poor partiers at a rapid rate. So people please, next time you see a monkey for god sakes let it go down town on you, and let him keep the change! Thats one shot that won't kill a monkey, but it might save one's life!
Later research on the topic has shown many correlations between the Bolivian Coke Monkey and Alex Dunn (human coke monkey). They both exhibit similar techniques in the acquisition of their contraband. Both radically tangy in sent.
posted by Kazys at
1:24 PM
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