Monday, January 25, 2010

Back for a bit...

Back by popular demand (1 request)! I heard the planet earth screaming for my writing. I've decided to respond in style. Stay Tuned.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Business man in bush.

Christ! That was one long, awesome vacation. You've missed over two years worth of life, and it has only been one year. I'll let you "sip the cup" if you will... observe the photo...To the naked eye, a harmless shrub outside the residense of successful shoe-shiner Kaz Tamasauskas and Josh Mallinson, the famous failure of space. To the trained eye however, this is actually the crime lair/meth lab of millionair/homeless man/Dean of Windsor University Sir Alfred Mancetti. Inside this 200 square foot palace are two bathrooms (seperate holes containing human waste), a tanning salon (absence of foiliage near the top of shrub), and a sate-of-the-art entertainment, I THOUGHT!! It turned out to be the base of a dismantled vacuum cleaner. Long story short the man is now in the custody of the squirrel cops, who have control over the entire perimeter.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

A week ago.

Josh, you did wrong. Now this image of your selfishness will live for ever.

You see a week ago, I had just finished an important exam. The stress of this test had balded parts of my head. The plan was simple. Meet at Josh after the exam so we could go for libations. BUT JOSH WASN"T THERE. I was shocked at his absence. I spiraled into a thirsty depression. I searched his complex for seconds then grew impatient and run away. The street was cold and harshe and dry. My thirst was now in control of my thoughts. An image of Josh's where-abouts hit me in the form of a thirst-induced hallucination. *He was getting ejected from a strip club for pounding on the vending machine window*. I found a barrel and started a "survival fire" and camped there until present. Well done old chumb

Friday, February 17, 2006

Mein Kampf

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Bob the swinger

Evenin' (tips brim of massive cowboy hat) I call this meeting to order in the light of a beautiful victory that occurred the fine day of SunDay, the 12th day of February day. The morning began beautiful and green, as per the pollution in Windsor dictates the weather. I've seen weather so outrageous that it is only comparable to the weather modulation device use by Rocksteady in the old Ninja Turtle Cartoon where goons from the future come and....... sorry off topic. As I was saying, I parked my vehicle in a cobwebbed abandoned space. I entered the building I previously exploded with the flick of a "cigarette". (Tamasauskas, 2005) The mood was tense and my feelings were tender. On my way to sterilize Josh I was suddenly stopped at the front desk by the great Bob, a black belt in alcoholism and repetitive speech. He informed me of my "parking violation". He said, "y-y-y-y-ya gotta move, gotta move, gotta move, gotta move that car." Bob was attempting to hypnotize me with his seductive linguistic torrent. This time I was ready! We verbally wrestled topless for minutes, days even. ALL OF THE SUDDEN a cloud a smoke filled the room. <(Meanwhile) Josh had attempted and failed to mate with several women> ....the smoke cleared momentarily and I slowly climbed to my feet. I was covered in dust and asbestos. It was over! It was really over! I screamed: "It's over, it's really over." Bob died of a rare condition in which the mind repeats itself into spontaneous dimentia and then death.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Sorry I've been slacking world. But trust me I have good reason. I've been busier than an Al-qaeda camel. The best news I could possibly bring to you would have to be that I've enrolled into a drawing class taught by renoun artist Daniel Dingler. A larger than life artist who taught my father Otis. How bizarre. I've completed the cycle of artistry. Dan was very excited to hear that I wanted to enrol into the course (assuming I was some kind of art prodigy) being as I was derived from two great artists. Comically, to his dismay, my art skills lack a certain.... je ne s'ai quios. hahaha But needless to say I'm up to the task of improving my skills and reputation. Just today for example, I drew a man so perfectly perfect that the police came and arrested me for kidnapping and assault (assault because I was sexually assaulting the image). So, I'm out on bond.... Send soap!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

2007 - the return of the pants

Well, I'm back. SILENCE! I wanted to start the year off right with some predictions. However, due to the fact that I have no precognitive abilities I have to rely solely on the sent and taste of future events. 2006 is so 2005 people. I'm talking about the majestic year of 2007. We just are not prepared! What is so special about 2007 you ask? (If you didn't ask that question, ask it) I sense that in 2007 we will see big things from the homeless, and by "big things" I mean they will begin to expose their genitals in exchange for crusty baked goods. This problem will be propelled by the growing bakery and Microsoft conglomerate that is currently forming. The key to salvation people will be over-sized pants. Thats right! Pants. I fear this "need" for pants will bring about a "pants-rationning" law in which families will be forced (at gun point mind you) to operate communal pants.

I'm sorry, for what just happened. Over the break I was traumatized when a massive pair of pants jumped on my back while verbally assaulting my body. I may never be the same. Plus, I'm rusty....SHIT!


The events that take place in this blog are factual and are enforceable in a court of law.